His out from the hospital about a few months ago . Somehow seeing him in bed inside the house,really upsets me. I want the old him back but nothing can change. I can feel his pain , but i know what his going through is more . I know his upset . I can see it when i gaze into his eyes. He just want to get out of bed. To be awake again ,Eat normally instead of tube feeding. He wants to be set free. He does not want tube feeding , i know he hates it . But Atok , you had no choice ,im sorry that it happens to you. You wish you can move and not just lay there and stuck in the same position. I know you miss tasting Nenek's food. I know you miss talking and Atok,i miss your voice :( . You know , somethings in life just cant be change. Our family do miss him, alot. At times i whisper to his ear and say,"sabar ye tok" it takes alot of patience and endurance to deal with the pain and frustration . For me and the family,it was hard seeing him like this. Even worst,During the fasting month this year,a few days before Raya,the nurse told us,Prepared for the worse. When we heard that,it was like a glass that was shattered form a hundredth story high. I loose hope,i kept thinking the negative things. But all of my cousin and i , keep praying,let him have his last raya for us,just the last,a family photo together,make it the last. Every night before i sleep , i keep thinking what if he cant celebrate raya with us?it would not be the same. What if tomorrow our nightmare happens?What if he won't be here.?
After all, at that moment of time, i cant imagine how my parents felt. Almost half-a million were spent on the hospital fees,hospital equipments and his food and unlike everything , it was the moment where my family suffered the most , cause Atok was staying with us,and we know and were taught how to tube feed him,everything. Ever since the stroke hit him. He could not talk,move & even eat from his mouth. I feel so so upset , cause i really know how he feels. The anger, that you cant be normal again. You know, i wish i had the strengths . I remember at that time we had a family meeting,only my family..but yeah , mom was there crying and little sisters were crying. It was hard. And i had to sleep late around 3 just to feed him,change his diapers,bathe him. Everything. To make him fell comfortable. Out of the 3 men inside the house,he was the one who is always willing to watch soccer with me rather than dad & brother. Financial problems began to occur. More equipments from the hospital need to be bought. So many stuffs. Even for check up he need an ambulance to take him there. Through and fore ,it cost a hundred dollars,hell yeah. I appreciate all mt pareant hardwork and sacrifices :')
Ya Allah ,semogo kau sembuh atok ku ini,
bagi lah kekuatan untuk nye,ketenangan dan juge sabaran :(
amin.
Labels: i love you atok stay here
