"Cause i say , it will and it would , cause i say , this is life . cause i say , people make choices"
Seven days , in a week . It seems impossible for me to see. Should have knew what have to come, but people say , expect the unexpected. Should have listen to your advice . And yes at times , i do regret why i become like this . But , for whatever that had happen in life , i cant turn back 10 years ago , which i wish i could . Undo all the mistake and the choices i've made . I've should have known , yet again , it kills me inside , deeply . And yes , envy do comes when it came to apart of your siblings and cousins. Its scary , when you think about your future . Always dream big , but have the passion to make it come true . Cause life is'nt like a fairy tale.
I have told myself not too . But ended up giving . I'll be , where i'll be now . Cause one more thing could be the best,one more lie , could be the worst . And all those thoughts are never resting . I dont deserve everything i had now , seriously :( for you to know me , what i used to me and now . I just dont deserve everything . i wish i was unborn . Gosh , its a pain killer . Im stuck , yet at the same time im lost . I am in confusion . About my childhood , for me to think about who i was and now , i've change alot . Mum & Dad , im sorry . i know what you've expect me to be . But , for me to change like the last time , its a struggle for me . I can't . Cause i know i need to let go of everything which i could'nt , but for now , except me for being who i am . I have the passion of being a hockey player,a designer & an architecture. I know im the wild child when i was in primary school , yes i make lots of trouble . Yes , i do miss my own self. I tried to kill the pain but nothing helped, i try to forget about everything but it was'nt easy . I left myself behind.Let me be myself and light up my own fire . Mum & Dad , im 15 , and i know what im doing . I know you love me . But , i grow , and sometimes you need to let me go .
I never understand why i had never get chances while im the one whom gave people chances . All i ever know is , my parents , they thought me well . I learn how to pray since i was 2 and a half years old . I learn how to read Iqraq , and get to finish it when im 8 . I started reading quran since P4 . I've taken religious classes since i was 4 , till im 15 . Tell me how much i've learn . I was thought to be patience , to except for whats Allah have to give me . I had never argue . Yet still , i was disappointed by myself . I've should have known .
Im sorry Abang, you were my bestfriend ever when i was young , we do everything together . Im sorry . I was a very big disappointment to the whole family . Abang , we have not talked with eachother since i was 11 , till now . We often talk . I do miss you very much . Sometimes its hard for me to talk to you . Cause , i know my wrongs . what I've done to you 5 years ago . I remember , we fought till we bleed . :'( i still remember , us being scolded , we had never get along very well . I still feel the pain back then , abang , i was bad . Very bad , till you can't confessed that i was your real sister to your friends , neither can i . We hate eachother , we treat eachother like enemies . But Abang , do you still remember , when i always get scolded , i cried and you'll wipe my tears? Abang , remember when Abi borought us to a park , and we ran , i gave up . And you told me not to . You encourage me to keep going , i was 4 year old and you were 8 . Abang , remember when you thought me how to skate? roller blade and also skate boarding? Abang , remember when we always bathe together when we were young? Abang , remember when we always pray together,you be the imam , and i follow you from behind? Abang , remember about the ballon?it flew up the sky and i cried? you comfort me , and say that the balloon will come back one day. abang , remember the time when i was scared of heights , and you always say that theres nothing to be afraid of , abang you said , takya takot , takya takot ,. You told me to be strong and over come my fears . Abang , remember the day when i did a crime at woodlands? back then i was 6 . You got beaten up because of me . You protected me till you got punched? Dad also protected me . They all did .
But i ,
i was a jerk .
i let myself down.
i let my family down .
Most of all , i didn't fulfil arwah's wishes.
I remember , tok long kissed my forehead and say , belajar rajin-rajin , buat umi ngan abi bahagie.
I remember , arwah nyayi , she kisse me at my cheeks , that was the last :'(
You say "takmu kecewe kan umi&abi . belajar rajin rajin . Jadi ape iqah nak jadi ."
Im sorry . No i dont forget peoples advice , Ms lim , you are my teacher since p5-p6 .
now i know what you meant .
when you say
" you will learn , one day as you get older , you'll understand"
im slowly trying to forgive myself.
:'(
With love ,
Syaieqah.
Labels: i was wrong
